Tag: John 3:16

Two Truths About Not Being “In Love”

September 7, 2015 / / 0 Comments

Love

I would venture to guess that one of the most commonly used reasons for ending marriages in our culture is “I love you, but I’m not IN love with you anymore.” It’s the ready-made answer for ending the marriage that no longer meets our needs and desires. I confess that I am 100% guilty of saying this in the past.

On the surface it seems like a logical reason. Why would you continue to pursue a relationship when you’re no longer in love with your spouse? I’ve had a number of friends tell me that they are no longer “in love” with their wives. I was able to talk with most of them and I’m glad to say a few of them dug in, did the work and are still together.

Before I move on, let me clarify two things. First, there is nothing wrong with being “in love.” It’s a wonderful affair. It’s an amazing convergence of feeling like you might die and like you could live forever. I loved falling in love with my wife. Where the “in love” feeling becomes a negative thing is when we use it as an excuse to dismantle a union which we have promised to honor. Second, I’m in no way saying that if you are in an abusive or dangerous relationship, or one where your spouse is actively sinning against you, that you have to stay. If that’s the case, God loves you too much to watch you be continually hurt. You need to make decisions that are focused on your (and any children involved) safety and well-being. If that’s your current situation, find a Christian community that will help and support you, speak with a counselor, or law enforcement.

It is out of these conversations with my friends, and my own experience and study, I have discovered two profound truths about the statement: “I love you, but I’m not IN love with you anymore.”   Without mincing words:

Truth #1

The person may not feel the same “in love” feeling anymore, but they also do not love their spouse.

Being “in love” is a feeling, although it’s probably more of a collection of feelings, but nonetheless still a feeling. The feeling of “in love” is meant to draw and connect us to another person with the purpose of making a commitment to love only them. Because “in love” is a feeling, it can shift and is no more sustainable than the feeling of excitement. “In love” is akin to striking a match; it flickers with the breeze and is easily blown out. Its sole purpose is to light the flame of mature love that isn’t as easily influenced by the whims of other elements. Mature love has weathered trials and is hardened like steel by the flames of difficulty and success. Mature love exists regardless of, and in the face of, waxing and waning feelings. Mature love is a love that decides to stay because it’s rooted in something deeper than feelings. Being “in love” with someone and loving someone are completely different.

Because 'in love' is a feeling, it can shift and is no more sustainable than the feeling of excitement.
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Because being “in love” is a feeling, when you say that you love your spouse, but you’re not “in love” anymore, you’re telling a half truth. The true part is that you no longer feel “in love” because that feeling is simply unsustainable. What isn’t true is that you love your spouse. If you loved them, how you feel would be less important than doing the work to mature the relationship. I don’t mean to make it sound easy; it surely isn’t. Marriage is probably (for most people anyway) the one thing you will have to work at harder than anything else. Ever.

If you love someone, then you keep the promise and put in the work. If your marriage is based on feeling “in love,” then you misunderstand what love is and how it works.

Truth #2

This statement is solely based on, and grounded in, selfishness.

When you make love all about your feelings and you’re willing to end your marriage when it doesn’t feel the way you want, then you’ve eliminated the other person from the equation. That’s selfishness. You’re selfish. Genuine love is always about the other person. John 3:16 shows us that God’s love for us moved Him to give to us. “For God so loved the world that He gave His only son…” so the WE could be saved. He, God, GAVE for US. Jesus said, “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.” (John 15:13)  Love gives – it does not give up.

I’m not saying that you can’t want to feel “in love.” We are made to give and receive love. We are creatures of love. I hope and pray that we all get to feel loved, but feelings aren’t useful for determining how we love others. Genuine love is always about the other person, regardless of feeling. That’s mature love.

Mature love exists regardless of, and in the face of, waxing and waning feelings.
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I’ll close with this quote from C.S. Lewis in his book Mere Christianity…

“Ceasing to be ‘in love’ need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense — love as distinct from ‘being in love’ — is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be ‘in love’ with someone else. ‘Being in love’ first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it.”

What does love mean to you?

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Loved People. (2015)

May 18, 2015 / / 1 Comment

love-god-love-people212. That’s the number of times that the New Testament mentions the word Love. Depending on the translation you use it varies, but that doesn’t include the Old Testament. If you count those the number more than doubles. Of the 212 times the word love is mentioned in the New Testament, about 51 one of those are from Jesus. That’s a big deal. Here’s why, of the 27 books of the New Testament, Jesus physically appears in six of them. Of those six, four are the chronicles of his life and ministry, essentially telling the same events from the perspective of different people and written for different audiences. The reason that’s important is because of the over 200 times love is mentioned in the New Testament, Jesus said it about a quarter of those times. Love was a big deal to Jesus.

I think that one of the most important verses in the bible is John 3:16.  John 3:16 says, “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” That single verse is the Good News of the message that Christ calls us to witness to. Everything else aside, this is our message to the world. When we talk about God, this ought to be our lead, our middle and our conclusion. When we speak of Jesus it ought to be so saturated in this verse that others can’t argue it, because they see that it’s really real in the way that it affects us. The best thing about this verse is that it includes everyone. Everyone.

Nowhere in there does it place a condition on God’s love. It is a conditional statement, but that condition has nothing to do with God’s love. The condition is directed at our belief in Jesus as a necessity for being saved. But His love, that’s exists there for everyone; it’s a without exception or expectation kind of love. So when I talk about Loved People, I’m talking to everyone. But I’m not naive or overly optimistic. I do understand that some don’t believe that or at the least would believe, except they’ve never experienced it, so it’s a difficult idea to accept. That’s why, as a Christian, you have to understand that verse, and a number of others, but especially that one. In understanding it we, Christians, are able to extend it to others.

To the Loved People that know they’re loved,

Others will know His love through you. Think about the first time you really and genuinely experienced the love of Christ. Where their other Christians involved? Jesus said, “By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” That means that Christians love each other. He also said, “Love you neighbor as yourself.” That means that Christians love other people. If you haven’t ever experienced the love of Jesus that occurs in a community of believers, I might suggest that you haven’t experienced the fullness of the love of Christ and you’re probably not experience the “life abundant” that Jesus said He came to give. Find community and you’ll find deepness in His love. But it’s not just for you and it’s certainly not for nothing. While He lavishes you with love for love’s sake, He also pours it out to be poured out. You’re loved for God’s own glory; so that other’s might experience the same love. While it may seem like a selfish thing, the saving nature of His love eliminates any perceived selfish intent. It’s a hard thing to understand, but once you know His love, the logistics of it seem less important. You are loved to love others. If you’re a Christians and not compelled to love others, I’d argue that you’ve never actually experienced His love and your decision to follow Him is still just one based on a “head” decision. If that’s the case, find community and I guarantee that the transition from head to heart following will be blatant and radical.

It isn’t our duty to love, it’s our compulsion; it’s who we’re meant to be.

Tweet: It isn’t our duty to love, it’s our compulsion; it’s who we’re meant to be. #ApproachGod via @bpags2

To the Loved People that don’t know they’re loved,

God does love you. He does. If you’ve never had an experience with a Christian that reflected that love, I’m sorry. It isn’t our duty to love, it’s our compulsion; it’s who we’re meant to be. I wish I could put into words the attractiveness of Jesus’ love. Obviously the bible does the best job around, but there’s still something that happens when you get to experience it that I just can’t explain. But, I promise you this, you are loved. Anyone that tells you different, even if they use scripture, is a liar straight from hell. The fact that John 3:16 says that “God loves the world” disproves any notion that “God Hates ________” (fill in the blank with anything you’ve ever heard). Because the world’s message is that you aren’t good enough or that you have to be better, believing that you’re loved is probably one of the more difficult parts of being a Christian; but it doesn’t make it any less true. You are loved. My prayer is that more Christians will understand, and remember, the impact that feeling loved had on them and extend the same to others and that you might benefit from that.

Loved People, love others, ok. Love well and often.

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