Tag: Father

7 Things Your Son Needs to Hear from You

April 11, 2016 / / 0 Comments

I have three sons. I first became a father at 20 years old. My third son was born when I was 33. By the time I met my third son, I was a different man, and especially a different father. At 33, I had experienced so much more life, and had matured. I had much more to offer my sons. While this made me a better father, especially for my third son; one of the saddest days of my life was when I realized how much I did not know at 20. I understand I did the best I knew to do. However, there are things I wish I had known to do for and say to my older sons.

I’ve thought a lot about what those things are and came up with seven things your son(s) need to hear from you.

You are important

Sons need to know they have value, not only in the world, but especially to their father. This involves allowing them to have a voice and listening to their opinions. They need to learn to present their opinions respectfully, and in turn, their opinions should be respected. The amount of value you assign to your son, feeds directly into the self-worth and self-confidence he will have as he grows into manhood.

Don’t quit

Inevitably your son will begin something that he will “really, really” want to do; then realize it is harder than he anticipated and decide to quit. Whatever the reason for wanting to quit, your son needs to learn to keep his commitments. One of the ways this lesson takes shape in our home, is when a child begins a sport, they will stay engaged throughout the entire season. Staying committed may be difficult. Throughout the season, we continue to cheer them on. To reinforce this lesson, we remain engaged with them, to the end. No one quits.

You’re not alone

This was a tough one for me. I was torn between wanting my sons to leave home at 18 years old, with a plan for their future, and wanting them to stay home so I knew they were safe.   We have a pretty definitive line for what post-graduation will look like if he has no plan: “You have to move out.” It turns out that telling your son he has to move out is harder than I expected. Despite this standard, I want my sons to know, “I’ve got you, Buddy. You can always come home.” This is not about enabling, but ensuring that your son knows he has someone in his corner and he will never be alone.

I want my sons to know, “I’ve got you, Buddy. You can always come home.”
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It is okay to fail

For some reason, everyone thinks they are the best at everything. Kids are no different. Losing has not only been eliminated as an option, but has become a catalyst for either despair or anger. It is now quite common to do away with losing and offer everyone a participation trophy. However, failing is real life. We all will fail. We cannot be the best at everything, and our sons need to know that. Neither can we allow failure to be what defines them. Your son needs to know that he will fail, but that does not count him out. Instead, it is an opportunity to press harder – to look for and discover his gifts.

Boys are allowed to cry

Until I was 33, I believed the lie that men do not cry. Your son needs to know that when he experiences profound hurt an appropriate response is deep sorrow or sadness. Deep sorrow may lead to weeping. That is okay. Weeping does not make your son less of a man. In fact, it will help him relate to others in emotionally healthy ways. And just so we are clear, “Jesus wept.”

I’m Sorry

As fathers, we will mess up. Most of the time, your son will know when this happens. Chances are good that you are going to say or do something that hurts him. At some point, you will go too far. You need to apologize. Say you are sorry and mean it. Ask for his forgiveness. Let him know your actions were not his fault or responsibility. We teach our sons about forgiveness by humbling ourselves and asking them for the same.

We teach our sons about forgiveness by humbling ourselves and asking them for the same.
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I love you

I am saving the most important for last. Remember to tell him you love him. Say it every day. Say it multiple times a day. Your son needs to hear you say the words. Do not ever think it is assumed or known. Your ability to communicate love will help your son communicate love to others. Your words will allow him to accept love from others, most importantly God. Your son will grow up knowing it isn’t gross, silly, or awkward to express love for others. Your success as a parent lies in your children knowing you love them.

Your ability to communicate love will help your son communicate love to others.
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As parents, as fathers, we have all failed and will fail again. I suspect you are like me. We have regrets. Some regrets may be significant. However, it’s never too late to change. If these are new habits for you, start now. We need to be reminded that these lessons are just as true for us as they are for our sons. We are important to our sons. We are not alone. At some point you will fail. It’s okay to have regret – even to the point of weeping. Ask for and give forgiveness. Never stop telling your son you love him. Don’t quit.

3 Roles Your Daughter Needs You to Fill

February 22, 2016 / / 0 Comments

daughter, father

I had only ever been a father to boys. I love my 3 boys. They have completely, different personalities. But even with their wide range in age and personalities; there are many similarities in how you parent them. With twelve years between my oldest and youngest sons, I have learned a lot about how to parent boys. However, in November of 2014 things changed. My wife gave birth to a baby girl.

My little girl. She showed up the day before Thanksgiving. She pushed this parenting commitment to a different plane. As much as I feel the need to protect my sons, as each has moved closer to manhood, there is an increasing degree of release as I ask them to implement what I have taught them. However, with my daughter, I cannot see that being the case. I believe I will always hold this intrinsic desire to protect her. And not to shelter her from the world, but legitimately protect her from those that would seek to take advantage of and hurt her. Even into adulthood. Call it archaic, but this is how I feel.

I have spent a lot of time thinking on the differences of being a father to a daughter. I recently discussed this with a friend who is writing a book. His book will be a collective of lessons from fathers. Each will share a particular piece of wisdom they have gleaned from years of fathering daughters. This book is sure to prompt productive conversation. We discussed the different roles we need to fill, for the sake of our daughters. As we talked, it became clear there are at least three roles that our daughters need us to fulfill, for their future and well-being.

Your daughter needs you to be…

A husband to your wife

It is as important to your daughter, as it is to your wife, that you are a good husband. We need to be serving our wife, placing her needs above ours, and making sure she feels loved and protected. Our daughters will expect from their husbands what they recall from their fathers. The husband that you are to your wife, will be the husband that your daughter desires.

The husband that you are to your wife, will be the husband that your daughter desires.
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A role model for men

Inevitably, whether we like it or not, our daughters are going to interact with lots of men. Most of them will not fall into the husband category. Because of this, we need them to know how other men, who are not their husband or family, should treat them. It will be important for our daughters to know how to develop and maintain healthy and safe boundaries with men. We want our daughters to have an expectation for the way men should talk to and about them. We want them to expect men to view them as strong and valuable members of all of our social and professional spaces. Additionally, we need to model manhood, to other men, with the expectation that we are training them to interact with our daughters.

We need to model manhood, to other men, with the expectation that we are training them to interact with our daughters.
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A daddy to her

This is different than being a father. There are memories that you, as her daddy, will share with her. No other man, not even her husband, will experience them. Tea parties, first snuggles, first kisses, first dances; those are yours to share and she needs this. Those moments will mold important aspects of her character and creativity. You will lay the initial blocks of trust and security. You will have a part in writing the scripts, in her imagination, that may one day blossom into a masterpiece. You will tend the garden of grace and forgiveness that she will one day surely need to harvest. You will be the gatekeeper to a home of joy, or one of hurt. She needs a daddy that will build a house of joy.

You will be the gatekeeper to a home of joy, or one of hurt. She needs a daddy that will build a house of joy.
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At the end of the day, whether you have sons or daughters, they need you to fill these roles. Sons will learn from us, how to treat all the women in their life, including their own daughters. Sons need a daddy too. The memories may be different, we trade tea parties for monster trucks, but in principle the lessons are the same. All of our children need us to fulfill these roles. And whether or not you are confident in your ability to fulfill those roles, Jesus enables us to fill them in the healthy and whole way we were created to.

And to the father who struggles, or who has even failed up to this day; you have a Father in Heaven who can change you. He will make you the father and the daddy that your daughter needs. God desires to create in you a clean heart…and renew a steadfast spirit within you. He will make a way for you. It is possible, and it is imperative, that you begin today. Perfection in a day is not expected; but showing up and working towards this goal is the best for both you and your daughter.

It is in Him that we find the grace and wisdom to be better husbands, better role models and better daddies.

Just as a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear Him.
~ Psalm 103:13 ~

A father’s anger and The Father’s grace.

August 24, 2015 / / 0 Comments

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If I had to guess, I’d say that as a dad (primarily to my two older sons), I’ve messed up more than I’ve gotten it right. I have tried hard to be a good dad. But for all my effort, all I was doing was trying to modify my children’s behavior rather than nurturing their soul. This was not intentional. It’s how I grew up. I wasn’t equipped for any other type of fathering. Things are quite different now that I am actually committed to following Jesus in a real way; not in the “I go to church every Sunday” way. However, this doesn’t mean everything is perfect.

One of the things I’ve struggled with for most of my life, and definitely as a father, is anger. And not common anger, but a hurtful, rage-type of anger. The type of anger that frightens people. Most of the time it has remained dormant, deep inside. I believed part of being a “good man and father” meant controlling and restraining that anger. Unfortunately, life will eventually reveal the true character of even the most controlled and disciplined person. There are many reasons I carried this anger. While I won’t go into why in this post, it was the result of hurt and unhealthy, emotional crap. Over the past 6 years, God has healed nearly all of it and I’m far less angry. But, again, that doesn’t mean everything is perfect. Occasionally I still screw up as I did with my 18 year old son a couple weeks ago.

Over this last year of school he procrastinated making plans and two months into the summer he still didn’t know what he wanted to do. I’m sure it’s no different a situation than many parents of 18 year-old, young men go through, but nonetheless it was still frustrating.

I’m not sure how other parents would handle that situation. This is new ground for me. I did offer advice and direction. Until about two weeks ago. That’s when the proverbial nuke detonated and he was ground zero. To say I flipped out on him would be an understatement. What I did was go on a 10 minute tirade of steering-wheel, fist banging, accompanied by yelling and cursing. I raged. I reached a point of such severe frustration, that instead of walking away and taking time to regroup and calm down, I unloaded on him. At the end of my tirade he was visibly upset, hurt and frustrated. I walked away. I went to my room and tried to go to sleep. Fail. On a lot of levels, fail.

God uses the Word He's already spoken to draw us back to Christlikeness.
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As we seek to follow Jesus, the Holy Spirit reminds us, as promised, of everything that Jesus said. It’s part of our growth. One reason to establish a consistent time of prayer and Bible reading is to allow for this growth. God speaks to us through His Word. It is in the moments where our behavior is far from Christlike, that God uses the word He’s already spoken to draw us back to Christlikeness. Simply put, in those moments that we least reflect Him, He’s going to speak words from the Bible that we’ve intentionally chosen to hide in our heart. He won’t give us a word that will be easy to ignore, or one we will doubt as being from Him. Instead, He’s going to use Scripture, so that there’s no doubt it is Him Who is speaking. It’s the same reason that when faced with temptation in the desert Jesus told the devil, “It is written…”

As I laid in my bed trying to calm down, all that kept running through my head was, “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.” Immediately I knew God was calling me to display Christ to my son. I continued to lay there, not knowing what to say to son. Then I felt the Holy Spirit remind me, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” And “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

I went to my son and asked for his forgiveness. He extended it. We were able to have a calmer discussion and we are good. Here’s what I want to share with you:

Grace always trumps anger. Always.
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When I offered my son anger, my Father offered me grace. When I was deaf to my son’s hurt and frustration, my father heard mine. When I refused to extend the fruit of the Spirit to my son, God cultivated and tended to the seeds that Christ had planted in my heart, leading me to extend the same to my son.

We fail…

Because we’re human
Because we’re still being redeemed
Because we’re not yet perfect

But, no matter how we fail, God offers grace. Every time.

You are not a failure, you are human. You will screw up; as a friend, as a leader, as a follower, as a husband and as a dad. I promise. However, God’s grace is bigger.

One of the best things you can do for your children is maintain a consistent prayer and Bible-reading time and listen to the promptings of God. Actions such as seeking the forgiveness of your child is God leading you to father them well.

Grace always trumps anger. Always.

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