Category: Life (Page 4 of 8)

Dating in the Midst of Divorce

March 24, 2015 / / 0 Comments

Bandaged HeartThis post will be a slight departure from my normal article topics. I’ve
been contemplating this post for quite awhile. I wasn’t sure how to write
it, but I’ve had conversations with enough people that I think it’s an
important topic and, if you’re Christian (but even if you’re not), it
absolutely has everything to do with following Jesus well. Before I proceed,
I want to give full disclosure. I am NOT a doctor, counselor, psychiatrist,
psychologist or social worker. My intent is not to provide medical advice.
Everything that I’m about to say and offer is built out on my own firsthand
experience and watching and walking with a number of people through the heart-wrenchingly painful process of divorce. This post, like all my others, is intended to prompt thought and conversation.

With that said, I want to be gentle here. My aim is not to hurt someone already going through a painful situation. I think where most churches and Christian fail in the area of counseling couples considering or going through a divorce is that, though true, they take the “God hates divorce, so you need to fight through this” stance. It is true that God hates divorce and I do agree that seeking reconciliation is always God’s heart, but that doesn’t always provide comfort or practical counsel for where the couple may be in real life. This post isn’t going to be that. It isn’t an attempt to encourage people to “make it work” or “give it another try.” I realize there’s a point in which one or both people decide they aren’t going to “try” any longer. So, as important as restoration is, it’s not this article. This article is intended for the couple that has already decided they can’t or won’t make it work and may be struggling with the idea of letting someone else into their life, on an intimate level, before the divorce is final. Let me just say, don’t. Don’t let anyone else in right now. It’s hard, but wait.

I’ve mentioned before that I’m divorced. I’ve been through it and dealt with this issue. It was one of the hardest things that I’ve ever had to navigate through; spiritually, emotionally, physically and legally. Thankfully, during that point in my life, I had people in my life that cared enough about what God wanted for me, my heart and the heart of my kids to be honest with me about the path I was considering. Since then, I’ve had similar conversations with at least a dozen people, some Christian, some not.

In almost every circumstance the person going through the divorce had the desire to seek intimacy with someone else or at least the impression that it would do them good. Part of the pain of divorce is the loneliness. It’s hard to go from being with someone 24/7 to not. During those moments the logical salve seems to be finding someone to fill that void. Unfortunately it isn’t that simple and typically doesn’t work out the way you thought it would. With that said, I know a number of couples that it did work for. It wasn’t perfect, but they’re still together and things seem to be good. I’m stoked for them, but they’re the exception, not the norm. There are a couple things, again, based off my own experience and multiple conversations, that are likely to happen when you start dating prior to finalizing the divorce. Here are three that
I’ve seen.

  1. It clouds your thoughts.
    Divorce is already “cloudy” enough. There’s so many emotions, feelings, doubt, hopes and desires that come with divorce, not to mention the whole figuring out what “regular” life looks like after it’s done. When I look back at  that time in my life, there are large chunks of time that are difficult to remember because of how clouded my thinking was. Adding a intimate relationship in the middle of all that only adds to the cloudiness. It may seem comforting and even euphoric at the time and might even distract you from the reality of it, but often times it complicates things far more. If you have children, it’s even more complicated. The best thing while going through a divorce is clarity, as much as possible anyway. Working through those thoughts and emotions is ultimately the best.
  2. It confuses the heart.
    Inviting in another intimate partner before your heart is healed from losing one, isn’t a cure. In fact it potentially creates deeper hurts. It’s very likely that opening yourself to a new relationship during the time when your heart is trying to heal may actually deepen the hurt. If not given the opportunity to heal properly, your heart isn’t able to extend healthy feelings of connection to a new partner. If you’re Christian, even without having sex with them, you’re committing adultery. It’s a heart issue and your heart isn’t free to give away yet.
  3. It conceals the Holy Spirits direction.
    For non-Christians you would call this your conscious. For Christians, like I already said, it’s adultery. It’s what Jesus was talking about when he talked about looking at someone with lust. It’s active sin to be in a relationship with someone prior to a finalized divorce. Living in active sin it conceals the voice of the Holy Spirit. Is as if all you’ll hear Him says to you is “Repent” and “Turn from your sin and return to me.” He doesn’t abandon you, He never forsakes us, but as you draw away from Him through active sin, you quit His voice and His call to return to Him becomes the cry of His heart.

Do you, first.

That means take the time to explore who you are. Figure out who you are. Divorce changes both people involved. There’s a lot of pressure to “get back in the game,” but that typically only complicates an already confusing situation. The thing that ended up being most beneficial for me, and others I’ve watched walk though this, was focusing on me. As I walked through the process, even in the midst of difficulty and hurt, I was able to figure out the kind of person I had become and the one I wanted to be, like a better father, a better husband (eventually), and a better friend, etc. I was able to focus on the relationships that were more important, i.e. with God, with my children, and other friends and family. And I was able to do it. I wasn’t perfect, but I had a better grasp on what it looked like to follow Jesus, to love my kids and even the type of woman I wanted to marry and the type of husband I needed to be for her, all without having to worry about building a relationship with another woman. Figuring me out became far more important to my well being than trying to eliminate the loneliness. In the process, I met amazing people and realized I wasn’t really that lonely. And, I eventually met the woman that became my gorgeous wife.

Take time to heal.

This is essential. One of the things that I’ve seen over and over is a relationship fall apart, between two people that otherwise seem like a good fit. What I’ve found to be the common denominator is that the one going through the divorce is still very hurt. Because they’re hurt, they cast onto the new person the same expectation of their ex-husband or ex-wife. They don’t intend to, but pain is sometimes blinding and hurt people, hurt people.

Typically it plays out like this: The new person does something similar to what the divorcing person’s ex might do, maybe work causes them to be late for a dinner date. Instead of letting this infraction stand as a single event, the divorcing person attributes it to the new person’s character and all of the sudden they’re just as undependable, inconsiderate and selfish as the ex. This may not be true at all, but the divorcing person can only see the new person’s actions through the filter of hurt that lead to and is caused by the divorce. After two or three of these types of interactions, the divorcing person ends the relationship and begins thinking things like, “All men/women are the same!” or “I’ll never find anyone that’ll be good to me.”

The truth is, if they took time to really heal, it might be easier to separate any new person from their ex. Because I’ve experienced it, genuine healing comes through Jesus. If you’re not Christian, I know that sounds foreign or possibly absurd to you. But, there’s a peace that comes with the healing that He offers. It creates wholeness in you. I understand the skepticism, so most times I’ll tell those I’m talking with to find someone that does pastoral counseling and be up front with them about not being a Christian. Even if you don’t “get saved” it can still be beneficial. If that’s too far out on the limb for you, then find a good counselor. Counseling has been invaluable for me, personally and in my marriage. However you do it, seek help so that you can begin healing. And not just while going through the divorce, but after its final, also. The finalization of divorce brings with it a whole new collection of feelings that may require help navigating through.

The last thing I’ll say is, be around people; don’t isolate yourself. Community is so important in providing a support network. It’s in community that you find wise counsel, encouragement, people to weep with you and people to cheer you up. Be with people.

If you’re interested theres a book called Healing for Damaged Emotions. It’s a great book.

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My Response to “Here’s How the New Christian Left is Twisting the Gospel”

March 16, 2015 / / 0 Comments

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There’s an article that recently appeared on CharismaMagazine.com on March 9, 2015 that has me both scratching my head and frustrated. The article is titled, Here’s How the New Christian Left is Twisting the Gospel. I went into reading the article with an open mind and hopeful that the title didn’t mean exactly what it sounded like; maybe it was one of those clever titles meant to draw you in. Within the first paragraph the writer, Chelsen Vicari, dashed those hopes. To provide some context, it might be better to read her article (link in title above) before you read mine.
f-vicari

I wanted to believe that Vicari was aiming her writing at those inside of Christianity that would attempt to change it into whatever is the “left” equivalent to the garbage that the Westboro Baptist have created on the “right.” I thought for a long time and had difficulty coming up with any. Maybe Rob Bell? But, that was not to be, she wasn’t just speaking to them. It seems that Vicari leveled her pen at any millennial that doesn’t attend the church their parents still do, or at least those that live out their faith in a way that doesn’t fit the right-wing, conservative, traditional evangelical church setting that their parents think it ought to. Referencing her stock photo, that also includes any young person with a face piercing, tattoo or a beanie. That means that 99.99% of Worship Leaders/Pastors of any church started in the last 10 years is twisting the Gospel. (I know, that was snarky. I’ll genuinely try to keep that to a minimum.)

In general the article was frustrating, but there were a few things about it that actually made me angry. The first is that Vicari wrongly absolves the “traditional” church from all responsibility for any gap that actually exists, with the millennials or even people in general. There’s no way that someone believes that the Church has no responsibility for the way people view us as followers of Jesus. We’ve had some major hiccups, all of them our own fault, that have hurt our credibility to be witnesses for Jesus. We, in the Church, may be Saints, but we aren’t perfect. To pretend that we don’t have responsibility for the low impression that people have of us as His followers and thus of Him, is naive at best, but more realistically idiotic. Vicari says, “They [“traditional” church] are accused of having too many rules as well as being homophobic and bigoted. Yes, we’ve heard those false claims from popular culture in its desperate attempt to keep Christianity imprisoned within the sanctuary walls.” Initially I had no idea what to even say about that, but…

I have a number of issues with this statement, here’s a few of them:

1. Evangelicalism, in the last 30 years, has done a lot to promote behavior modification as opposed to sanctification. Grant it, it may not have been intentional, but there’s traditionally been a huge focus on what a Christian should or shouldn’t do, which inadvertently created a ton of rules. That’s behavior modification, grossly legalistic and ultimately pushes those away that can’t live up to those rules.

2. As for the homophobic and bigoted title, we earned that all on our own. It’s the result of a generation of people, some that I know and are generally great people, thinking it’s ok to call people faggot or queer. It also doesn’t help when an evangelical refuses to make cake for a same gender wedding or worse when an evangelical doctor refuses to treat a same-gender couple’s baby, who by the way doesn’t have a sexual preference. Unfortunately, the many suffer for the sins of a few and the homophobe and bigot titles are ours to undo.

3. No one has done more to keep Christianity imprisoned behind the sanctuary walls than Christians. Sans a few missions trips and “community projects”, most Christians don’t generally carry their Christianity into any other part of their life. Many are content with their Sunday consumerism, careful not to intermingle their faith with their dirty office jokes, drunken benders or adulterous affairs (I’ve fallen into that category). Yes, there are many that pursue Christ daily and the world is better for it, but even still, many of those who do carry their beliefs outside the church walls are often more vocal about what we’re against rather than who we’re for. In the past there’s been far more “you’re going to HELL” evangelism than there’s been “Jesus came to die for you” evangelism. At the least, the balance is severely off. Picketing or blowing up an abortion clinic speaks far louder than a bible tract made to look like a million dollars. Again, sins of the few.

The other point that had me dumbfounded, early in the article, is that Vicari either wrongly interprets or blatantly misrepresents the difference between those millennials that are seeking a genuine marriage between proper theology and practical Jesus followership (trying to literally live our Jesus’ commands to love God, love others and make disciples) from those that are trying to creating a new avenue into Heaven and pandering to the itching ears of culture. There’s a distinct difference and Vicari somehow ignores it and lumps all millennials into one “leftist” group. It’s irresponsible and not accurate.

I really don’t want this to be a counter-attack on the “right.” It wouldn’t do us any good. I think one of the main issues inside our body is the polarization created by those in it. We already have denominations because we can’t agree on so many issues. I know that the separation between “left” and “right” has existed for some time, but it’s most recently that issues like same-gender marriage have started us down the path to greater separation. Vicar’s article does little to help bridge that gap. My hope is to not add to that chasm.

So here’s what I want to do. I want to clarify a couple points she made and then offer a few suggestions/solutions to help close the expanse between us.

Clarity

1. We aren’t meant to rest in an evangelical identity.

Vicari said, “…we can no longer rest carefree in our evangelical identity—because it is changing.” Evangelicalism is NOT an identity, at least it shouldn’t be. Call it an expression of our Christian faith or what it actually started as, a movement within the Christian faith (it sprung up out of revivalist meeting in the early to mid 1700s), but to call it an identity is folly. We are called to one identity and that’s an identity in Jesus Christ. HERE is a whole list of bible verses that speak to that. We are one in Christ, not in evangelicalism. To that end, we should never be carefree in any identity, especially in Christ. Every identity comes with a responsibility. Part of the problem with Christian consumerism is that evangelicals have let themselves become carefree in that identity (I’m guilty of that). We have to stop doing that and become active and responsible in who Christ has called us to be.

2. We’re not fighting a culture war.

Unfortunately the culture will always win. Jesus was crucified and the Apostles martyred because the culture won. The Gospel isn’t meant to change the culture, it’s meant to change the hearts of man. Only then do we have a chance to effect the culture. Rather than make war on the culture, we would do well to remember Paul’s clarification about what we are to stand against. Paul reminds us that we “…stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places.” Our war is against the heavenly places, not the culture. We are to take up arms, that is God’s word and prayer, for our communities, not against them. We are to be witnesses to people’s sinful unbelief of who Jesus is, not their sinful behavior. As far as behaviors, we take up those same arms against our own sinful behaviors and inclinations.

3. Being an evangelical doesn’t make you a good follower of Jesus.

Just because you attend church and profess the same teachings that your parents do doesn’t make you a good follower of Jesus. I know people that have attended church for 30/40 years and never actually read the bible, or don’t pray consistently, or give generously, or don’t help “the least of these”, or don’t know what it actually means to follow Jesus. Many people would call them great evangelicals, but I wonder what Jesus might say to them. Our pursuit should not be focused on being a better evangelical, but rather a better follower of Jesus.

The Gospel isn’t meant to change the culture, it’s meant to change the hearts of man.
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Solutions

1. Seek Unity.

We are called to be one body. We are called to be THE Church, not separate churches. Most millennials are not moving toward hearsay; they’re seeking to be better Jesus followers. There’s no reason for separation. To be fair, no one is free from responsibility for the gap that exists, so we’re all responsible for making the first move to close it.

Ephesians 4:1-6 says,

“[I] urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call— one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.”

2. Disciple Each Other.

One of the best things I’ve ever heard about the benefits of intergenerational ministry is that older members bring wisdom, while younger members bring passion and both benefit when they welcome the other. Maybe it’s time that millennials stop pushing away from older members because they’re too “traditional” and older members stop disregarding the younger ones because they’re too “progressive” and start cultivating relationships that encourage discipleship. After all, we’re ALL followers.

3. Be Peacemakers.

Jesus said, “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.” Now, I’m not an expert, but the opposite to that seems to be those who create disharmony won’t get to be called sons of God. That may not be true and I don’t know what the implication of that is, but that seems pretty serious to even consider. Acting like or assuming that you’re the one that has the corner market on God’s will is a dangerous place to be. Baking a cake for a same-gender wedding isn’t condoning the behavior. It’s providing a service. Does refusing to bake it cause peace or disharmony? Are they still going to get married without your cake? Could it be that baking that cake would show a genuine love for them as people, rather than your full acceptance of their lifestyle? Where do we have the opportunities to make peace? As much as that applies to in our communities, it applies tenfold inside the body of believers. It’s time to get it together. Be peacemakers.

Obviously there’s a million other things I could say, and I wanted to, but this post is already too long, so I’ll end with this. There is no “new” Christian left. Once a belief system travels outside of the foundational Gospel message (Christ is God incarnate, He was born of a virgin, He came to earth and performed miracles and wonders, was crucified for our sins, resurrected after three days, ascended into heaven and will return to usher in the new heaven and earth and to judge man for all time, and the only way to The Father is through Jesus), then it’s no longer Christian and thus not the “Christian left.” People loving their gay friend in hopes of introducing them to Jesus, isn’t a twisted Gospel, it’s THE Gospel.

As if you didn’t have enough to read, here’s some other posts that have to do with sin and our approach to living out the Gospel.

Do you think millennials have it twisted?

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How Blessings Can Be a Curse.

February 27, 2015 / / 0 Comments

rich-guyIt’s a fairly common saying. We say it without thinking about it and once we say it, we rarely change anything about our life. Really, it’s only something people in the western culture say.

“I saw how little they had and it really made me appreciate what I have.”

Typically, I’ve heard it from church folk after returning from a missions trip in some harshly impoverished third-world country. This is not to say that non-church people don’t say it, they do, but among us it shall not be so. I’m not suggesting that we not appreciate the blessings that God pours out on us. On the contrary, we ought to bless the name of the LORD for the good things He does and has done for us. We need, for our own humility and for His majesty, to remember and number our blessings before Him. Without doing that, we begin to think we deserve all we have and are, ourselves, responsible for earning it. What I am suggesting is that our blessings may not be for the sake of our comfort or even our own benefit.

For all of my Christian life I’ve been told that God blesses those He loves. But recently, as I’ve studied, I can’t find that. He disciplines those He loves, but I can’t find the blessings one (someone point me to it, if I missed it). I know that in Matthew 7:11 Jesus tells us that our “Father who is in heaven [will] give good things to those who ask him,” but I’m not sure that means we’ll get whatever we want. More and more, I tend to lean toward the idea that Jesus was talking about the good things that come with a life full of Him; love, forgiveness, wholeness, purpose, etc. No doubt God blesses us with other good things, material things, but because of Jesus’ communal and servant oriented character, I have a hard time believing that even the material things are wholly intended for us.

I’m convinced that other’s poverty and lack is not intended to make us appreciate our blessings more. Of course it’s ingrained into us to react that way. I’m guilty, 100 times over, of this very thing. I see another’s poverty and breathe a sigh of relief that it’s not me and never think a second thought about how my plenty might reduce their lack. I tried to figure out where we get this mentality from. I assumed that, like Christians often do, there was a passage of scripture that was taken out of context. Often it isn’t intentional, but it still carries the same ill effects.

In studying, I came across 2 Corinthians 9:8. It says, “And God will generously provide all you need. Then you will always have everything you need…” If we read just this part, it’s easy to get caught up on the word “generously” and miss that it applies to what we need, not what we want. It’s also important to read the remainder of that verse, “…and plenty left over to share with others.” As far as I can tell, the promise is that we’ll have what we need to live and out of that there will be plenty left to share with other that are in need. That’s the NLT.

If we look at another translation, like the ESV, it actually translates a bit differently. It says, “And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.” When I read it that way it takes on a whole different context. Written this way it leads me to a place where God’s grace is the provision. It’s grace that becomes the resource that fills every need (emotional, physical, material, relational, etc.) and allows me to give, in large amounts (that’s the definition of abound) in EVERY good work. This means that not only can I meet a person’s material needs, but with God’s grace through Jesus, I can meet some of the other needs they may have.

povertydayUsing another person’s lack as a tool to remind us of our abundant blessing is a dangerous affair. It can easily cause us to retreat into whatever area we feel provides us with the security of our abundance. Most times that isn’s God. Often we’ll retreat into working harder, to earn more, so that we can ensure our prosperity. But that isn’t the way of the Kingdom. When Jesus saw another’s need, it didn’t cause Him to relish in the fullness of His divine provision; it caused Him to touch the unclean, to eat with the lowly, to give to the outcast. It caused Him to give from His abundance. When our blessing causes us to be relieved that we’re not “them,” than we’ve turned it into a curse.

Using another person’s lack as a tool to remind us of our abundant blessing is a dangerous affair.

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The song, Blessed Be Your Name, says “Every blessing You pour out, I’ll turn back to praise.” The only way we turn His blessings into praise is by pouring them out on those in need. When we do that, our blessing, given by Him, become about Him and glorify Him. Others’ lack ought to move us to react rather than relief.

What would it look like if others’ need moved us to reaction rather than relief?

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