Category: Leadership (Page 5 of 7)

2 Reasons Why You Still Haven’t Found What You’re Looking For

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As “blog launch day” has drawn near, I really struggled with what to write for the inaugural TWM post. There’s so many ways I could have gone, but a lot of what I thought to say about this site is already in the MANifestio (should be done in the next week or so), so it didn’t seem helpful to just rewrite it here. But then I thought about the one thing that connects all of us. It’s something that Hollywood has known for so long and has exploited to make fists full of dollars selling kiddie pool deep rom-coms. It’s the Jerry Maguire, “you complete me” syndrome. It’s our need to find that one thing or one person that will help make us feel whole. That missing element that will signal our completion. We lay the weight of all our hurt and all our expectations onto it, in hopes that it can bear the burden and make things “right.”

Really this is something that all of us deal with, it’s hardly unique to men, but since TWM is directed at men, this blog is going to talk about the things that they seek in an attempt to feel whole. Realistically that list is pages long, and hopefully over the life of this blog we’ll cover many of those things. For this post, we’ll say that it basically boils down to four things: Profession, Possessions, Persons, and Power. Most men attempt to fill that empty space with one of those things. Some pour all of themselves into their career in an attempt to “be known.” For some, it is stuff; the biggest TV, newest phone or nicest car. You can even put things like pornography, gambling or other addictions into this category as ways that men attempt to fill the voided space. Others look to a spouse, partner, group of friends or even his kids as a way to define who he is and feel accomplished. And still others try to use power in an effort to “be somebody.” Somehow, at the end of all that, there’s still a space; still a void that inexplicably can’t be filled.

Before I go any further let me define “wholeness” as I’m using it. In James 1:4, in talking about tests to our faith, the writer says, “And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” The Complete Jewish Bible (CJB) uses the words “complete” and “whole” accordingly. One of the main things I want to do is differentiate the idea of wholeness and perfection. Often biblical translators use both words somewhat interchangeably. Merriam-Webster defines perfect as, “being entirely without fault or defect, flawless” and “lacking in no essential detail: complete.” But as for whole, MW defines it as, “recovered from a wound or injury:  restored” and “physically, mentally and emotionally sound.” For the purposes of TWM, perfection occurs when Jesus comes back or we die and enter eternity. Perfection isn’t possible this side of eternity, but the pursuit of perfection is possible and wholeness is part of that. When I say wholeness I’m talking about being restored and healed. I’m talking about Jesus reconciling us to God, healing our hurts and making us a new creation. That does happen this side of eternity.

In our attempt to find wholeness, we’ve convinced ourselves that that “one thing” is out there and we just need to look long enough or search harder. Unfortunately so many men search their entire life and never feel quite whole. Some may get close to feeling fulfilled, but that’s not the typical story. If you google the phrase “something is missing in my life,” you’ll get about 218,000,000 results, and a lot of them are quizzes and tests to help you figure it out. Clearly there’s a lot of opinions on how to find wholeness. Obviously I’m not going to provide some profound insight into wholeness, nor do I have all the answers, but from what I’ve experienced and conversations I’ve had with other guys, I’ve found that there are two reasons that most men have difficulty finding wholeness.

 1. You’re looking in the wrong place.

C.S. Lewis said, “If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.” Logically, if there are 218,000,000 resources to help you find that “thing” that will make you whole and there’s still an enormous amount of people still looking, maybe Lewis is onto something. Maybe it isn’t that we’re not looking hard enough, but that we’re looking in the wrong place. Maybe we’re not meant to find wholeness in this world. If wholeness is possible and we’ve been unable to find it in the things of this world, maybe we ought to start looking in other places.

An easy argument might be to look to other religions that offer a more holistic response to the “who am I?” question. Unfortunately every other religion, whether outright or subtly, tells us that we need to try harder. They still put the responsibility on us to find that “one thing.” Christianity doesn’t do that. Jesus says, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” He’s offering us the ability to come to Him and rest so that He can exchange incompleteness for wholeness.

To be clear, it isn’t instantaneous and it isn’t some magic formula. It’s a process of rebuilding and healing. Restoration and healing take time. Given time and a commitment and connection to a community of other Christians that love you, wholeness comes.

2. You’re unwilling to be open.

Most of the conversations I’ve had with other guys revealed that their inability to be “satisfied” with their life is really a result of some level of stubbornness or unwillingness to be open about their hurts and struggles. I know, it’s not a popular thing for men to talk about their feelings, and we’ll talk about that more as time goes on, but it doesn’t change the fact that being closed off affects your ability to find wholeness. Often times a major road block to wholeness is a lack of healing for the wounds that we carry. I don’t presume that being open about our hurts is easy.  I know it isn’t.  However, I do know being open is essential to achieving a sense of wholeness. At the very least it’s necessary to begin the process of actually seeking wholeness.

I think one of the most beneficial things I’ve done, and many of the guys I’ve coached have done, was finding a group of guys who will allow me to be honest. And I’m not talking about an “accountability” partner. Accountability is necessary, but it’s only a part of what I’m talking about. I’m talking about friendship. A community of men, who span a wide breadth of experience and wisdom; men who can be honest with each other and walk though healing together. A community of love is by far one of the best tools that Jesus left us in our journey toward wholeness.

The_whole_man_completeWholeness is the thing that leads to the abundance of life that Jesus was speaking of in John 10:10. My hope is that TWM will be a place that encourages men to gather and seek healing and wholeness together. In doing this, we’ll get to experience that abundance of life and better fulfill the roles for which we were created.

I’m looking forward to seeing where The Whole Man takes us. I definitely don’t know it all and am still walking this path is a number of areas of my life. Because of that, I think this thing works best if it’s collaborative and generates discussion.

 

 

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When numbers shouldn’t matter

numbersNumbers matter. In so many areas of our society we watch numbers. We watch our weight, the calories we take in, our profit lines, our budgets, church attendance, our FB friends, twitter followers, and the list goes on. The same mentality applies to blogging. The higher the numbers the more successful we count ourselves. Actually, in the world of publishing, if you want to get a book published by a traditional publisher, your blog numbers matter even more. Most publishers won’t touch you if you are pulling a couple thousand views a day. So for someone that wants to write a book, it’s easy to get hung up on numbers.

At the end of each year I make the same goal, to blog more than I did the previous year. Over the last five years I’ve slowly, but steadily increased the amount that I post. But, this year has been my best yet. In 2014 I posted 36 articles. I wanted to best that this year and so far I have. Since the beginning of the year I’ve posted 49 articles. I’m barely half way through the year and I’ve written 13 more article than I did all last year and I’ve been loving writing this much. But it wasn’t until this past week that I realized it wasn’t the best I have to offer.

I want to be an author. I have at least five book ideas, all of which are in different stages of the writing process. Because I want to be an author, I’ve been researching how to get published and what it takes to build a platform. My original intent in trying to build a platform was to find an audience of peope that care about the message I so deeply believe in. I’ve been really focusing a lot on reading stuff by Jeff Goins, Jon Acuff and Michael Hyatt. They’re all brilliant writers and coaches. One of the things they all talk about, on some level, is the importance of platform building, to which blogging helps in that process. That’s not the only thing, but that’s the thing that was most relevant to where I was at. As I’ve worked on building my blog, I started getting hung up on the numbers. I started to become consumed about my daily views and the number of email followers. Specifically this number:

WP FollowersOn the surface it looks like I have 703 people that care about what I have to say and took the time to sign up to receive my blog by email. That number has increased steadily from about 400, over the last 3 months, so I was stoked. However, over the last few weeks I’ve felt like I needed to change the way that I was delivering my content. Specifically I felt like I needed to separate my writing into blogs that provided a more focused message to those I was trying to serve. But I just couldn’t get passed the growing followership. I had become sort of obsessed with seeing that number grow. But, this last week I learned something that I’ve long suspected to be true; that 703 isn’t an accurate reflection of the audience I’m serving. It’s actually formed from combining my Twitter followers, my FB page likes and in the number of actual email subscribers, which are actually only 10 people. I’ve been putting off improving my blog because I got hung up on a number that wasn’t even real. For that I’m sorry. I’m sorry that what may have been better for the people I’m trying to serve took a back seat to my need to up the number.

As important as numbers are, numbers don’t matter if the ones you’re focused on don’t help you serve those you’re called to. I don’t want to make it sound like I don’t appreciate the 10 legitimate email subscribers I have and the dozens of (maybe hundred or so) people that I know read #ApproachGod. I know those people appreciate what I write. I’ve had people message me and tell me that they were hurt by people in the church and how much they appreciate hearing that Christianity isn’t meant to be like that. It’s because of my readers, the last few months have been far more important to me than all of the other years that I’ve been writing at #ApproachGod. But, because they’re such a small part of that 703, in reality I wasn’t serving them as best as I could because I was focused on 600 people that more than likely don’t care about what I write. You that have committed to this walk with me deserve better from me.

It used to be that I wasn’t sure which direction I should go with my writing and because of that I posted it in the place that was the best fit at the time, #ApproachGod. But that isn’t the case anymore. God has given me some clarity on which way I should be going, but I’ve been procrastinating on listening, because of a number. I’m done with that. I so appreciate those whom made the decision to journey this road with me and I want to give them the best of me and make sure that what I give to them meets their needs in the best way. Because of that I need to refocus what I’m writing and where it shows up. I want to be more cognizant of whom I’m writing to and I want the location to be more strategic in what it provides to the reader.

Over the next couple months I’m going to reorganize my blog writing and launch two, maybe three, additional blogs sites. #ApproachGod will stay, but it will eventually look a lot different. #ApproachGod was never meant to look like it currently does. It was started as a means to provide devotional style content. My main content, essentially everything I’m posting on #ApproachGod, will be moved over to BrucePagano.com. The blog I post on Wednesday will talk about that and what the new sites will be focused on. In the mean time, I’m looking forward to the transition and better serving my audience. If you decide to continue journeying with me I can promise you this, I’ll be more concerned about engaging you as a part of my community than I am in growing with numbers that don’t matter.

Transparency isn’t the best you have to offer.

Transparency

Transparency is often billed as on of the most important traits a leader can have. I mean, people like the Dalai Lama saying things like, “A lack of transparency results in distrust and a deep sense of insecurity.” How do you argue with the Dalai Lama? I assume if you tried, he might just hug you. The point being, if you were to ask any number of leaders what are the most important traits of leadership, odds are transparency would be on that list. But, I’m not convinced that transparency is the best that a leader has to offer. I’ll can take that a step further and say that I’m not even sure that transparency is the best you can offer to the community of people you’re doing life with.

When we talk about transparency there’s this idea that it means our life is completely open for others to observe and peer into. We also attach the idea of being completely honest with our thoughts, feelings, emotions and struggles. That transparency is supposed to extend to anyone who has even the slightest connection to you; if you’re a leader, that means any one that follows you. If you’re in community with others, that means everyone you “do” life with.  Leaders talk about the importance of transparency in community and then try to demonstrate it by example. Unfortunately, I know enough leaders to know that transparency is often more of a pipe dream than something that is actually fully practiced. But it isn’t for not wanting to. I think people know there is a benefit to allowing others equal access to the attractive and unattractive areas of their life. The problem is that fear of being hurt or taken advantage of is stronger than the desire for openness in our relationships. The truth is that sometimes there’s no benefit to either party in allowing that type of full access. So, we tell others how important transparency is, while hiding certain areas, and pretending that you’re living a life of full disclosure. That’s not the best. At the least it creates false closeness in our relationships. At the worst, it creates unrealistic expectations, setting people (leaders especially) on pedestals. When those expectations aren’t met, or a leader fails in an area, it’s devastating. Transparency forces you to say, “Everyone has access to every part. No matter how private or hurtful.” It removes that ability to differentiate the depths of our different relationships.

So, if transparency isn’t the best, what is? I’m going to say a word that no doubt has been over used in the past ten years; Authenticity. I know, I know. You’re mind probably just flashed to some saggy-beanie wearing, Christian hipster who’s sitting in a hole-in-the-wall coffee-house, drinking his reverse-drip, syphon-separated, goat-milk, half-caff, latte and talking about how he’s seeking an authentic faith in an authentic missional community of authentic believers pursuing authentic communal living. But, it’s overuse doesn’t diminish the truth of it’s importance. I think that authenticity trumps transparency every time. Authentic is simply being real, or genuine, with others. It doesn’t try to force you to open areas that you may not be ready to open. Authentic allows you to say, “I am deeply struggling with something, but it isn’t for you to know about. Instead, it’s reserved for two other people who are helping me walk through it.” Authenticity allows you to be honest with others, while still maintaining a wise level of privacy. Authenticity allows you the ability to be really real with everyone, while allowing you the freedom to cultivate depth in a few really important relationships. Authentic allows you to be open with those people who will help you grow and avoid openness with those that would just assume tear you down.

With that said, transparency isn’t useless and shouldn’t be abandoned. In systems and structures transparency is crucial. If you tithe to a church, 100% transparency in those financial records is necessary for accountability sake. Transparency in your mission as a community is equally necessary, because people should to be able to easily perceive the motives of your group. Transparency in your leadership building process allows people to know what to expect as you work through developing them. Transparency in the context of systems provides the ability for people joining you in community to see more clearly into what they’re joining. Transparency in structures and programs works far better than it does as a trait for a person.

When you shoot for authentic, you get the right amount of transparency with the right people.

Tweet: When you shoot for authentic, you get the right amount of transparency with the right people. | #ApproachGod http://ctt.ec/Udr4s+

If I’m being completely transparent here, we’re not going to ever be completely open to everyone, nor should we be, but we can be completely real with everyone. Some people won’t understand or accept that, but those are the people who solidify the argument that it doesn’t benefit everyone for you to give unfettered access to everyone. When you shoot for authentic, you get the right amount of transparency with the right people.

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