Author: Bruce Pagano II (Page 26 of 51)

Bruce Pagano is a blogger and podcaster living in the Treasure Valley area of Idaho. He is married and has four children, a retired US military veteran, a licensed clinical professional counselor, and has over 14 years of ministerial leadership experience. Most of his writing focuses on manhood, leadership, relationships, and faith issues. His writing can be found at www.brucepagano.com and his podcast at www.foldingchairtheology.com.

3 Reasons Why “Just Give it to Jesus” Isn’t Helpful

 

heavyload

The year 2009 was one of deep hurt for me. I was involved in a divorce that I didn’t want and left wondering how to move forward as a single dad and an active duty military member. During that time, I had also recommitted to following Jesus and was trying to figure out how to answer God’s call to pastoral ministry. I had a lot going on. It was a season of great hurt, even greater healing and so much learning.

One of the things that God did to help walk me through that difficult time was surround me with a community of people that loved me. They were gracious and welcoming. But, more important than loving me, they loved Jesus. Because of their love for Jesus, their encouragement, wisdom and counsel were essential to my healing process. Along with the wise counsel that came out of those I was in Christian community with, came other “counsel” from goodhearted Christians that didn’t actually know the depth of my circumstances. One of those pieces of counsel that always frustrated me, more than it helped, was “Just give it to Jesus.”

I feel like this is one of the most misused pieces of Christian advice that can be offered by well-meaning Jesus followers. Unfortunately I’ve been on both ends of this misguided attempt to provide “wise council”. Somewhere along the way Christians turned King David’s song lyrics and Peter’s encouraging reminder into a solve all, catch phrase that carries very little actionable application. Here’s three reasons why it isn’t helpful.

1. It isn’t Biblical.

We’ll at least the way that we’ve interpreted it isn’t. The idea is built out of David in Psalm 55:22 and Peter’s reiteration of it in 1 Peter 5:7. Psalm 55:22 tells us to cast our burdens or, when Peter says it, anxieties on God. The problem isn’t with the word “cast,” which literally means “give” or “toss”. The issue is with the words “burden” and “anxiety”. People have taken these to mean any problems or negative circumstances that we experience, but what these words refer to isn’t that simple.

Both words mean something far deeper. The original Hebrew translation of “burden” is actually “gift”. That’s a bit unexpected. In this case “gift” also means affliction, trials, and troubles, but it can mean things that are agreeable and pleasing to us. While that may be confusing, understanding this clearly reveals a far more important purpose behind why David says it. David is saying that no matter our portion from God, we “commit [it] to His custody, and use [it] to His glory.” It’s about our ability to trust God’s faithfulness in keeping His promises to us. Likewise, the word “anxieties” doesn’t mean that you aren’t concerned for our circumstances, but is more about not letting circumstance divide our heart between God and other things. We are to give over difficulties to God so that our heart would not be divided and we are not drawn from Him who sustains us.

If “Give it to Jesus” isn’t exactly biblical, what is? In Galatians 6, Paul tell, “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” The appropriate response to a brother or sister’s heavy burden is that you bear it with them. While Paul was in prison and in dire circumstance, he continued to have hope and comfort in Christ, but he still asked for people, like Timothy, to come be with him. He still needed the comfort and encouragement of fellow believers to help bear the burden. While it may be difficult to carry your burdens by yourself, it becomes easier the more people you have to help carry it.

2. It is Dismissive.

It’s like asking someone, in passing, “How are you?” and they proceed to actually tell you how they are doing. Obviously no one told them that the standard response is, “Busy. I’ve been really busy.” Now you’re forced to respond to them. Because it’s often difficult to know what to say and potentially requires a significant time investment on your part, most of us respond with the standard Christian “deflect and evade” counter-measure, “That’s tough, bro. I’ll pray for you.” While you might believe that they actually need someone to pray for them, really what you’re communicating is you don’t know what to say and you want to leave. As well-intended as it may seem, when you tell someone to “Just give it to Jesus” you’re actually telling them that you have nothing to offer them. You’re essentially saying, “That sucks that YOU’RE dealing with that, but I’m not and I don’t plan to.” If you’re a Christian, you don’t get off that easy. If you want to honor Jesus, you have to bear burdens with others.

3: It’s Not Tangible.

Although you’re not there to make the situation go away, real love does eliminate burden if it’s within the person’s ability to do so. Using those five words and leaving the person to sit in their despair isn’t very Jesus-like. The burdened brother/sister needs comfort, wisdom, insight, encouragement, and maybe someone to just be with them. Chances are that God has gifted with something from the list in Romans 12. If we have the ability to lighten or eliminate the burden of another person, we ought to. Real burden bearing is tangible.

Bearing others’ burdens has everything to do with our heart. If you’re seeking Jesus and allowing His Holy Spirit to transform you, your heart will change. We have to be willing to recognize that we get to choose to be like Him and when we do, He starts and completes that work. Sometimes, we just don’t know how to respond to another person’s difficult situation. That’s okay and that’s where Christian community comes in. What’s not okay is to never grow out of that.

Knowing how to respond isn’t always the easy. Here’s how theologian John Gill explained Galatians 6:2 and what bearing each others’ burden should look like,

“…by gently reproving them, by comforting them when over-pressed with guilt, by sympathizing with them in their sorrow, by praying to God to manifest his pardoning grace to them, and by forgiving them themselves, so far as they are faults committed against them…”

We can do things like praying with them in that moment, giving words of encouragement, taking there kids for a couple of hours to let them have a moment to think, buying their groceries, making them a meal, being with them, crying with them, hugging them… I imagine if you thought about it, you come up with better ones.

Christianity doesn’t exist for our own purposes and as means of getting out of doing life with others. It exists as a means of glorifying and loving God, though the loving and embracing of others, especially those who are hurting most.

Please consider using one of the share buttons at the bottom of this article if you found it helpful or know someone who would. Thanks.

Do I Need to Confess My Adultery?

infidelity-379565_1280

A few years ago, I was counseling a guy who had been hiding his affair from his wife. He had long since ended contact with the other woman, and even confessed his affair to a chaplain friend. However, he continued to hide the truth from his wife. On the day he confessed the affair to me, he was in the midst of struggling with the need to confess to his wife. I wasn’t surprised that he hadn’t confessed to his wife, or that he was struggling with whether or not to do so. What did surprise me was the advice that he received from his chaplain friend.

The chaplain friend, a Protestant Christian, suggested that confessing his affair to his wife would destroy her sense of security and safety in the marriage. The chaplain told him that because he was repentant and confessed (in this case to the chaplain), there wasn’t necessarily a requirement for him to confess his affair to his wife. I have several concerns regarding the chaplain’s advice.

The idea that you will destroy the security and safety of marriage, for your wife, by confessing to adultery is absurd. By committing adultery you have already destroyed her security and safety. Whether or not your wife is aware of your adultery is irrelevant. Any perception of security and safety a wife holds in the marriage, after her husband commits his body to another woman, is false. It is akin to erecting a fence made of cardboard and then painting the cardboard to look like a wooden fence. The owner may see a wooden fence, but it remains cardboard. The painting does not make for a strong fence. By committing adultery, you’ve already decided for your wife that your marriage is not a safe place. Along with that, if you think she doesn’t know, you’re wrong. She knows. Even while she doesn’t know the details; she knows something has changed.

I made the decision to have an affair during my first marriage. I never confessed. Eight years later, during our divorce, I finally confessed to everything. Her response to me was, “I know. I always knew. I was just waiting for you to tell me.”

Your wife knows.

Additionally, the advice that you don’t need to confess to your wife, because you already confessed to someone, is a hard pill for me to swallow. Aside from the legalism found in that advice, I have difficulty with it because it opposes what Jesus said in Matthew 5:23-24. While Jesus was preaching the Sermon on the Mount, and teaching on anger and offenses, He said, “So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” Jesus is saying that if we have committed an offense that causes, or would cause, someone to be angry at us; we need to go to that person, settle the issue and reestablish our close relationship. If he takes that stance with a “brother” (or sister), how much more do His words apply to the one that is intended to be the other half of our one?

Saying that it is not necessary to confess your adultery to your wife, is a cowardly and legalistic way of attempting to fulfill the call to “confess your sins to one another” without having to face the earthly consequences of your sin. Saying this ignores Jesus’s command to “love God and others” and Paul’s prompting for husbands to love their “wives, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her…” When you gave your body up to another woman, you ceased giving yourself up for your wife.

“Do I need to confess my adultery to my wife?” No, you do not. There is nothing that requires you to confess to your wife. Arguments could be made that scripture recommends it, but there isn’t anything that specifically states you must confess to her. However, I believe asking that question is weak. By the time you get to that question, you already know that you should confess. But you may still be looking for someone to tell you that it is not required.

“Do I need to confess my adultery to my wife?” That is the wrong question to ask. A better question is, “WHEN do I need to confess my adultery to my wife?” If you desire real intimacy with Jesus and your wife; eventually the weight of your sin will become too heavy to bear. The Holy Spirit will change your heart and give you the desire to confess to your wife.

Route 1520 says it like this on their FAQ page:

“Eventually you will want to tell her. Why live another day without the true intimacy of really being known? Why wonder whether or not she would leave if she found out? You don’t need to tell her every detail of your acting out, but she will need to know the general nature of it. It is important to find a truly humble and willing heart first. You should also be totally committed to your marriage and to sobriety from all sexual sins before you talk to her. You may need the help of a pastor or counselor to get honest with her. Your wife will also need lots of support. Don’t expect her to just forgive and forget. Rebuilding trust and finding true intimacy will be a lifetime journey.”

You do not have to tell her. However, if you desire true intimacy with the other half of your one, you will want your wife to know.

If you’re struggling with adultery, sexual addiction or pornography there is hope; there is help. Route 1520 is a ministry dedicated to helping those struggling with these addictions and their families discover the freedom offered by the Gospel. You can contact them HERE.

If you found this article helpful or know someone who would benefit from it, please use one of the below buttons to share it.

Two Truths About Not Being “In Love”

Love

I would venture to guess that one of the most commonly used reasons for ending marriages in our culture is “I love you, but I’m not IN love with you anymore.” It’s the ready-made answer for ending the marriage that no longer meets our needs and desires. I confess that I am 100% guilty of saying this in the past.

On the surface it seems like a logical reason. Why would you continue to pursue a relationship when you’re no longer in love with your spouse? I’ve had a number of friends tell me that they are no longer “in love” with their wives. I was able to talk with most of them and I’m glad to say a few of them dug in, did the work and are still together.

Before I move on, let me clarify two things. First, there is nothing wrong with being “in love.” It’s a wonderful affair. It’s an amazing convergence of feeling like you might die and like you could live forever. I loved falling in love with my wife. Where the “in love” feeling becomes a negative thing is when we use it as an excuse to dismantle a union which we have promised to honor. Second, I’m in no way saying that if you are in an abusive or dangerous relationship, or one where your spouse is actively sinning against you, that you have to stay. If that’s the case, God loves you too much to watch you be continually hurt. You need to make decisions that are focused on your (and any children involved) safety and well-being. If that’s your current situation, find a Christian community that will help and support you, speak with a counselor, or law enforcement.

It is out of these conversations with my friends, and my own experience and study, I have discovered two profound truths about the statement: “I love you, but I’m not IN love with you anymore.”   Without mincing words:

Truth #1

The person may not feel the same “in love” feeling anymore, but they also do not love their spouse.

Being “in love” is a feeling, although it’s probably more of a collection of feelings, but nonetheless still a feeling. The feeling of “in love” is meant to draw and connect us to another person with the purpose of making a commitment to love only them. Because “in love” is a feeling, it can shift and is no more sustainable than the feeling of excitement. “In love” is akin to striking a match; it flickers with the breeze and is easily blown out. Its sole purpose is to light the flame of mature love that isn’t as easily influenced by the whims of other elements. Mature love has weathered trials and is hardened like steel by the flames of difficulty and success. Mature love exists regardless of, and in the face of, waxing and waning feelings. Mature love is a love that decides to stay because it’s rooted in something deeper than feelings. Being “in love” with someone and loving someone are completely different.

Because being “in love” is a feeling, when you say that you love your spouse, but you’re not “in love” anymore, you’re telling a half truth. The true part is that you no longer feel “in love” because that feeling is simply unsustainable. What isn’t true is that you love your spouse. If you loved them, how you feel would be less important than doing the work to mature the relationship. I don’t mean to make it sound easy; it surely isn’t. Marriage is probably (for most people anyway) the one thing you will have to work at harder than anything else. Ever.

If you love someone, then you keep the promise and put in the work. If your marriage is based on feeling “in love,” then you misunderstand what love is and how it works.

Truth #2

This statement is solely based on, and grounded in, selfishness.

When you make love all about your feelings and you’re willing to end your marriage when it doesn’t feel the way you want, then you’ve eliminated the other person from the equation. That’s selfishness. You’re selfish. Genuine love is always about the other person. John 3:16 shows us that God’s love for us moved Him to give to us. “For God so loved the world that He gave His only son…” so the WE could be saved. He, God, GAVE for US. Jesus said, “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.” (John 15:13)  Love gives – it does not give up.

I’m not saying that you can’t want to feel “in love.” We are made to give and receive love. We are creatures of love. I hope and pray that we all get to feel loved, but feelings aren’t useful for determining how we love others. Genuine love is always about the other person, regardless of feeling. That’s mature love.

I’ll close with this quote from C.S. Lewis in his book Mere Christianity

“Ceasing to be ‘in love’ need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense — love as distinct from ‘being in love’ — is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be ‘in love’ with someone else. ‘Being in love’ first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it.”

What does love mean to you?

If you enjoyed this post or you think it would be helpful to someone else, please use one of the below buttons to share it.

« Older posts Newer posts »

© 2025 BrucePagano.com

Theme by Anders NorenUp ↑