Author: Bruce Pagano II (Page 16 of 51)

Bruce Pagano is a blogger and podcaster living in the Treasure Valley area of Idaho. He is married and has four children, a retired US military veteran, a licensed clinical professional counselor, and has over 14 years of ministerial leadership experience. Most of his writing focuses on manhood, leadership, relationships, and faith issues. His writing can be found at www.brucepagano.com and his podcast at www.foldingchairtheology.com.

Intimacy is More than Physical

April 25, 2016 / / 0 Comments

Intimacy

When culture speaks to the topic of intimacy, it is assumed the discussion will be about the physical, sexual act. Unfortunately, when we try to boil down something as intricate and deep as intimacy, we miss a lot of important stuff. And because that important stuff, is the stuff of healthy relationships, we settle for shallow connections. In fact, when you look up the definition of intimacy, of the 7 definitions, sex does not appear until number 6. This is because intimacy is so much more than sex.

When we try to boil down something as intricate and deep as intimacy, we miss a lot of important stuff.
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Does intimacy include the physical aspect? Yes. Before we consider the physical act, there are at least 3 other forms of intimacy that are necessary. Following are areas of intimacy we should first concentrate on, if we desire to cultivate a healthy relationship.

Intellectual Intimacy

This is the sharing of ideas and opinions. The goal is to discover similarities and differences in how you relate to the world. Intellectual intimacy may take some time to develop, because it requires getting past the infatuation stage. This stage is the place where you are willing to be agreeable to nearly anything, as long as you can just be next to that person. Infatuation initially builds intimacy out wide, but not deep. Intellectual intimacy is greater than infatuation. Once you are able to move past infatuation, to the place where you can share your genuine views, then intellectual intimacy will flourish.

Emotional Intimacy

Emotional intimacy has to do with the ability to share personal experiences and the internal feelings associated with them. This is often a difficult area of intimacy for many people because it requires vulnerability and trust. Trust is key for success in this area. And because real trust takes time to build; emotional intimacy is an exercise in patience and practice. Moreover, true emotional intimacy is not an area of intimacy that can or will be rushed.

Spiritual Intimacy

This can be a complex type of intimacy. If you are a Christian, this is about closeness to God as shared with your partner. It has to do with building your own deep intimacy with God, and sharing with each other, so you are united. Initially, your responsibility for spiritual intimacy is fairly restricted. You should concentrate on being concerned with growing your relationship with God, and encouraging your partner to grow their relationship with God. As you grow closer, you will bring your together relationship to God. If you are not a Christian, this area has to do with growing deeply in those areas that you hold sacred. This is far more profound than emotional intimacy. Spiritual intimacy takes more time than other areas.

These 3 areas of intimacy are especially important if you are just beginning a relationship. Your ability to cultivate intimacy, in these areas of your relationship, is crucial to its future and health. It can also be a good “measuring stick” concerning the potential of a future with this person. If together, you cannot develop intimacy in these first 3 areas, before the physical aspect of your relationship, I would suggest that you take a serious look at what you are actually building together.

As long as you are both growing, there will always be a need for deeper knowing.
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If you are already in a relationship, dating/engaged/married, then these are the areas of intimacy that you must continually work at maintaining. When it comes to intimacy, you never fully “arrive.” As long as you are both growing, there will always be a need for deeper knowing.

Sex is the physical expression of a deeply, cultivated love...
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If you are a Christian that grew up with the “True Love Waits” teaching in youth group; I am not pitching a “sex before marriage will ruin it” theology. I do believe that sex is the physical expression of a deeply, cultivated love and meant to happen within the boundaries of marriage. I am not so naïve as to believe that everyone takes this same stance. What I am saying is that physical intimacy is meant to be experienced after the culmination of deeply mining out these other areas of intimacy. That takes time. If you take this time to more profoundly know your partner, your relationship will naturally move toward physical intimacy based on a continued desire to know, rather than a feeling of lust. When you realize that this is happening, marriage is a logical conversation.

Ultimately our desire for intimacy is a product of how God created us and is echoed in Jesus’s prayer in John 17.

20 “I do not ask for these only, but also for those who will believe in me through their word, 21 that they may all be one, just as you, Father, are in me, and I in you, that they also may be in us, so that the world may believe that you have sent me.22 The glory that you have given me I have given to them, that they may be one even as we are one, 23 I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me.

You Won’t Be Your Best Leader Until You Do This

April 18, 2016 / / 0 Comments

Leader

There is a lot of cultural emphasis on becoming and being a good leader. Additionally, there is plenty of conversations on how to develop others into good leaders. I have read numerous books and blogs on leadership, many of which had great content. Realistically the characteristics of good leadership are pretty standard across the board. However, there is one quality often overlooked regarding leadership; followership. Followership is a critical aspect of good leadership. Following well equips you to lead well, when the time comes. And, without having been a successful follower; you will likely never be your best leader.

In the last decade or so, followership has been edged out of the leadership discussion. But, learning how to follow is integral to learning how to lead. When choosing someone for a leadership position, one of the first attributes I look for is a history of successful followership. It is in that experience of following that a leader is able to understand what others need in an effective leader. That experience also afford a leader with a clearer picture of those people being led. A leader who was a good follower is more likely to value those being led, rather than viewing them as “capital.”

As a follower we grow in our ability to fulfill other roles (leader, spouse, parent) in healthy & effective ways.
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At some point all of us will be placed in the role of follower. In fact, it is in our role as a follower that we are equipped to fulfill our other roles (leader, spouse, parent) in healthy and effective ways. What does an effective follower look like? A good follower is:

Respectful

Respect for the authority of those we are following, or working for, but also for those we interact with on a daily basis. There will be instances when we are placed under the authority of someone who does not lead well. The ability to remain respectful, and acknowledge authority, will develop our character. Experience under a poor leader will provide the opportunity to study ineffective leadership and avoid similar mistakes in the future. Followership is the act of mindful submission to authority, even poorly executed authority.

Confidence

Not only being confident in the person leading you, but also in why you are following them. A confident follower knows where they stand and what they stand for. Confident followers are aware of their gifts and abilities. They understand how they contribute to the success of the team and their leader. Seasoned confidence is a vital characteristic for transitioning to a leadership role.

Tact

Difficult situations call for experience in knowing when and how to speak. Tact is action, tempered by sensitivity and wisdom. Knowledgeable and confident leaders are tactful. As a leader, your tact will help garner trust from those you interact with and especially those who follow you.

Tact is action, tempered by sensitivity and wisdom.
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Servant Hearted

As a follower, servanthood is not the bowing down to a tyrannical boss. Instead, servant hearted following is a decision to develop a character of humility and compassion. It is a desire to serve the people you work for and with, because you value them. A servant’s heart expresses genuine concern for others. The humility and compassion a leader needs to serve those they lead is developed as a follower. When those you lead experience your compassion and respect, you will envoke a willingness to follow you and fulfill the mission.

Teachable

John F. Kennedy said, “Leadership and learning are indispensable to each other.” Learning is a forever event. To lead is to always be learning. Followers settle early into their role as student and carry that into leadership. Being teachable means knowing that there is always more to learn and that it can come from anyone.

Even if you are already in a leadership role, it is never too late to learn followership. Become a good follower. If you work for someone, become intentional about following him or her well. If you work for yourself, find someone who is beyond you in experience and wisdom, and put yourself under their leadership.

The most important follower role that we will ever take on, is follower of Jesus.
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Ultimately, the most important follower role that we will ever take on, is being a follower of Jesus. He is the definitive Follower; in that He laid aside His divinity and obediently followed God’s plan to the cross; so that we could follow Him into glory. When we enter into that follower role, everything changes. It is then that our expectations for what makes a great leader elevates to unimaginable levels.

5 Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, 6 who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped,7 but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. 8 And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.

~ Philippians 2:5-8 ~

7 Things Your Son Needs to Hear from You

April 11, 2016 / / 0 Comments

I have three sons. I first became a father at 20 years old. My third son was born when I was 33. By the time I met my third son, I was a different man, and especially a different father. At 33, I had experienced so much more life, and had matured. I had much more to offer my sons. While this made me a better father, especially for my third son; one of the saddest days of my life was when I realized how much I did not know at 20. I understand I did the best I knew to do. However, there are things I wish I had known to do for and say to my older sons.

I’ve thought a lot about what those things are and came up with seven things your son(s) need to hear from you.

You are important

Sons need to know they have value, not only in the world, but especially to their father. This involves allowing them to have a voice and listening to their opinions. They need to learn to present their opinions respectfully, and in turn, their opinions should be respected. The amount of value you assign to your son, feeds directly into the self-worth and self-confidence he will have as he grows into manhood.

Don’t quit

Inevitably your son will begin something that he will “really, really” want to do; then realize it is harder than he anticipated and decide to quit. Whatever the reason for wanting to quit, your son needs to learn to keep his commitments. One of the ways this lesson takes shape in our home, is when a child begins a sport, they will stay engaged throughout the entire season. Staying committed may be difficult. Throughout the season, we continue to cheer them on. To reinforce this lesson, we remain engaged with them, to the end. No one quits.

You’re not alone

This was a tough one for me. I was torn between wanting my sons to leave home at 18 years old, with a plan for their future, and wanting them to stay home so I knew they were safe.   We have a pretty definitive line for what post-graduation will look like if he has no plan: “You have to move out.” It turns out that telling your son he has to move out is harder than I expected. Despite this standard, I want my sons to know, “I’ve got you, Buddy. You can always come home.” This is not about enabling, but ensuring that your son knows he has someone in his corner and he will never be alone.

I want my sons to know, “I’ve got you, Buddy. You can always come home.”
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It is okay to fail

For some reason, everyone thinks they are the best at everything. Kids are no different. Losing has not only been eliminated as an option, but has become a catalyst for either despair or anger. It is now quite common to do away with losing and offer everyone a participation trophy. However, failing is real life. We all will fail. We cannot be the best at everything, and our sons need to know that. Neither can we allow failure to be what defines them. Your son needs to know that he will fail, but that does not count him out. Instead, it is an opportunity to press harder – to look for and discover his gifts.

Boys are allowed to cry

Until I was 33, I believed the lie that men do not cry. Your son needs to know that when he experiences profound hurt an appropriate response is deep sorrow or sadness. Deep sorrow may lead to weeping. That is okay. Weeping does not make your son less of a man. In fact, it will help him relate to others in emotionally healthy ways. And just so we are clear, “Jesus wept.”

I’m Sorry

As fathers, we will mess up. Most of the time, your son will know when this happens. Chances are good that you are going to say or do something that hurts him. At some point, you will go too far. You need to apologize. Say you are sorry and mean it. Ask for his forgiveness. Let him know your actions were not his fault or responsibility. We teach our sons about forgiveness by humbling ourselves and asking them for the same.

We teach our sons about forgiveness by humbling ourselves and asking them for the same.
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I love you

I am saving the most important for last. Remember to tell him you love him. Say it every day. Say it multiple times a day. Your son needs to hear you say the words. Do not ever think it is assumed or known. Your ability to communicate love will help your son communicate love to others. Your words will allow him to accept love from others, most importantly God. Your son will grow up knowing it isn’t gross, silly, or awkward to express love for others. Your success as a parent lies in your children knowing you love them.

Your ability to communicate love will help your son communicate love to others.
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As parents, as fathers, we have all failed and will fail again. I suspect you are like me. We have regrets. Some regrets may be significant. However, it’s never too late to change. If these are new habits for you, start now. We need to be reminded that these lessons are just as true for us as they are for our sons. We are important to our sons. We are not alone. At some point you will fail. It’s okay to have regret – even to the point of weeping. Ask for and give forgiveness. Never stop telling your son you love him. Don’t quit.

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